Assessment 2: Part A

By Vaidhi Kohout

In your student e-portfolio, edit the following passage, removing any potentially offensive language, slang and repetition, rewriting any unclear sentences, making any changes signalled by proofreaders’ marks and changing the tone from that of a prejudiced rant to a neutral news report. 

Material to Edit

“Judgement day came to Sydney last week when 5000 patriots turned up at Cronulla Beach to show their support for two off-duty volunteer lifesavers who’d been bashed senseless by a pack of dirty Lebs. the (cap) next night a bloody footpath stabbing in Woolooware led police to believe the Middle Eastern thugs were up to their old tricks – high alert time! Out came the crim-repelling roadblocks and the heavily armed riot police coppers all over the roads of Cronulla and other roads leading to Cronulla like in Brighton-Le-Sands. Ironically, it wasn’t just Aussies injured it was also Australia’s reputation for chilled-out city beaches. The riots lots got(tr) of coverage in international media and the UK(sp), Canada and Indonesians all issued travel warnings to tourists about going to Sydney beaches! December five the chambers of NSW parliament were told to come back from their summer holidays to have an urgent session to give cops on the front line to deal with the Lebbos by seizing their cars and phones for up to a week, closing pubs bars and declaring booze-free zones. And much needed changes to the pissweak Crimes Act mean rioters can now be banged up for 15 years instead of only 8(sp).”

My Edit

Judgement day for Sydney. 5000 patriots crowding Cronulla Beach last week showed support for two off-duty volunteer lifesavers who’d been bashed. A bloody footpath stabbing in Woolooware the next night, has signalled police of further crime by the same suspects. Heavily armed riot police have added roadblocks and protection in Cronulla and nearby roads of Brighton-Le-Sands. Safety and reputation of Australia’s relaxed city beaches is compromised by tourist travel warnings issued by Canada and Indonesia; and growing riot coverage in international press. NSW parliament were called back to chambers from summer holidays December 5^th for an urgent police session; closing bars, declaring booze-free zones and allowing confiscation of offender’s cars and phones for up to a week. Further changes to the Crimes Act mean rioters can now be imprisoned for 15 years instead of 8.